The Royal Pain

Posted by: on Apr 25, 2011 | One Comment

This past Sunday, I was watching CBS Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood, which I usually watch from start to finish whenever I can. However, I had to switch channels when the next story up was something about the the upcoming royal wedding, which I have had it up to my commoner’s eyeballs with. Seems like every news broadcast starts and ends with something about the upcoming nuptials, and I couldn’t give a royal shit about this.

Do I really need to know how many sequins are on the dress? What type of flowers the bridesmaids will carry? Who is sitting at what table? If Kate or William could explain to me why gas (as opposed to all this royal hot air) is closing in on $4.00 per gallon here in New Jersey, that would be saying something. All this is other crap is just….well it’s crap.

A few centuries ago, the king of England and the royal family ruled a good chuck of the world. When a member of the royal family got married, that potentially had world wide consequences. Who would be the next king; who would be the next queen; who would be the next person beheaded. Now the major consequence is the the British taxpayers get to spend a bloody fortune on the wedding, they maintain the royal family in a manner that is behind my ability to comprehend (especially with things being what they are), and the worldwide news media acts as if the messiah himself is going to descend from the heavens and perform the ceremony. Not to mention that the media itself covers the media covering the event. I shut off the Today Show this morning right before they were going to tell me what kind of hat Meredith was going to wear while covering the wedding.  Oh……………my………………..god!

America it’s time to wake-up. 225+ years ago, these are the people we wanted nothing to do with, so much so that we went to war, declared independence and kicked King George’s ass! Now they want to rule the air waves and I for one want nothing to do this. I’ll be happy when it’s over so the news media can go back to covering all these natural disasters, wars, the price of gas going through the roof and the other good stuff going on in the world. The way I see it, this is the British Empire’s bizarre form of torture and they are still trying to get even with us for their demise.

Kickball Deemed Unhealthy

Posted by: on Apr 20, 2011 | 3 Comments

What a load of horse manure the NY legislature is attempting to dump on the Empire State now….or should I say again? They have decided that activities such as kickball, tag, red rover and wiffle ball “pose a significant risk of injury.” What’s next?  Are they going to ban children under the age of 16 from walking?

When I was growing up, not only did we play kickball, we played it in the street! I know…shocking (dripping with sarcasm). And, to the best of my knowledge, we all lived and suffered no ill effects from this dangerous combination. None of my kickball komrades were damaged physically or psychologically from the effects of kickball in the street. Of course, some of them weren’t very good at it and were ridiculed for that (mostly by me) but I don’t think that’s the concern here.

And what’s the problem with wiffle ball? It’s a hollow, aerated plastic ball hit with a hollow plastic bat. The obvious problem with tag is that it forces children to run around, touch each other in person (as opposed to be “poked” on the internet) and socially interact, not to mention the obvious side effects of breathing in fresh air and burning off calories. Can’t have that now can we (more sarcasm).

Pretty obvious to me that this is another case of politicians running amok so that their lawyer type friends can find more reasons to sue people and they can get their names in the media to prove they are actually doing something, even if it’s moronic. Why tackle the serious problems of helping survivors of they myriad of natural disasters that have recently occurred, education, the environment, taxes, poverty, hunger, war, famine, floods, locusts (sorry about that one but I have Passover, Exodus and Charlton Heston on the brain) when you can waste taxpayers time and money? Is a new law banning/limiting children’s games that have been played for decades and decades really going going to make the world a better place? Hell no…and who and how would these new regulations be enforced? They won’t, just another law, rule, regulation, whatever, that will become more a suggestion than an enforceable law but at least some politician will have their name on it so they can say “look what I did.” Makes me so sad to think this is the best we can do.

To my friends who live in NY State, I have a suggestion. Get a wiffle ball bat, put on a pair of really heavy shoes, find your nearest Albany politico type and play a game of kick-balls with them (find some other body part for the female of the species). Then take that wiffle ball bat and shove it where the sun don’t shine. Than maybe that elected official will make a sound worth listening to.

Happy 22nd Allie

Posted by: on Apr 15, 2011 | 8 Comments

April 15, 2011

My Dearest Allie,

I cannot believe that it is 22 years since I first laid eyes on you and held you in my arms. Seems like yesterday that you first looked into my eyes as if to say “Daddy, the shit is about to hit the fan!” On

Squeezy Pickle Promo

Posted by: on Apr 12, 2011 | One Comment

Today in the mail I got one of those squeezy ball stress relief type things but it wasn’t in the shape of a ball…it’s a pickle. Not that a squeezy pickle shouldn’t come with it’s own squeezy ball (or balls). For some strange reason I find my new squeezy pickle mesmerizing, as if it’s calling my name and saying “Ira, squeeze me.”At least it’s not telling me to rub it or something perverse like that.

I have other squeezy type items in my office.  There’s a few squeezy balls, an avocado (complete with nut) and a squeezy light bulb, which should help me come up with bright ideas but I think it’s blown it’s fuse or filament or whatever makes a light bulb glow because it never spoke to me. On the other hand (need to watch my words on this one), the pickle did inspire to call a potential new client who sells pickles.  I mean actually pickles…sours, dills, garlic and other yummy stuff.

I have also been using my pickle to relieve my stress and after all, isn’t that what a stress relief pickle is supposed to do. But when I do use the squeezy pickle for it’s intended purpose, I feel like I should take a shower or at least wash my hands. And I get the funny feeling the pickle likes it when I squeeze it. I’m just beginning to think that it’s a dirty little pickle with a mind of it’s own. Now I have to deal with two of them.