Mother Nature Run Amok Part II

Posted by: on Sep 23, 2010 | One Comment

A few months back, I wrote about the crazy weather and other shit going on with our planet.  Guess what?  Shit is still happening! The weather this past summer in the NY/NJ metro area can only be described as miserable. It was so hot and dry that many lawns turned brown (and I mean really brown) and many area golf courses had to limit play or shut down because their grass just upped and died (now that’s a tragedy if you ask me). Now they are saying that because of the stress the trees have been under, peak fall foliage season will be a week or two earlier than normal.

Last week, a tornado, actually two tornadoes, struck NYC.  One in Brooklyn and the other in Queens, and there was a microburst (whatever the hell that is) on Staten Island.Holy shit!  Since when did the NY metro area become part of tornado alley?

Last night, I was driving home from Western NJ along I78, when some radio station in Easton, PA actually played that annoying “danger Will Robinson” noise used to make emergency announcements because Eastern PA and Western NJ were under a severe thunderstorm warning. It was quite a light show on the drive home.  I would say that’s at least 3 times in the past 2 weeks that our area has been under some severe weather alert.

If you look around the country, we have brush fires, drought and lots of other types of severe weather. Around the world, earthquakes seem to be more frequent and more severe, as do floods and other natural disasters.

So what’s causing all of this? If you listen to the religious fanatics, a higher authority is punishing us for all of our sins, misdeeds and whatever else those lunatics can think of. We have to return to a more pious lifestyle. Of course they say this from the pulpits of their multi-million dollars churches or their McMansions built with the hard earned money of the thousands of people they stepped on to get closer to their perception of God.

Going to the completely other side of the debate, “it’s global warming” which can be blamed for a whole host of issues. I actually believe the earth is getting warmer just as it got really cold 10,000 years ago during the last ice age. Now Al Gore wasn’t around for that one so there’s no reasonable explanation but I trust the scientific evidence that told us it occurred. Unfortunately, I think the earth will continue to get warmer before it gets colder again and some really bad things might happen because of that. I’m just not sure what, if anything, can be done to stop it, short of colonizing other planets and completely fucking those up as well.

Which brings me to my last theory…Mother Nature is made as hell as she’s not going to take it anymore.  In other words, it’s a combination of both ideas. First, I think Mother Nature (a.k.a. Planet Earth) is the higher authority but someone needs to tell Pat Robertson and his ilk that she isn’t paying any attention to them. If she were, the next earthquake would completely destroy their very nice TV studios, million square foot churches and the secret vaults where they keep all that cash they collect from the poor folks who really can’t afford to give them anything.

The process of life on our planet is called evolution for the very simple reason that Earth, and all of the millions of species that inhabit our lovely planet, is evolving, changing every second of every day. Mother Nature sees to that. I don’t think she will answer your prayers but I do think she will try to take back what’s hers when you screw with it (a familiar theme for those of you that know my thoughts on NJ and flood plains). At this point think I think Ma is pissed off, cranky and probably going through evolutionary menopause so it’s just best to stay out of her way while she takes back the planet.

Supermarket Etiquette

Posted by: on Sep 7, 2010 | 2 Comments

Supermarket Etiquette

I have found that the supermarket is the perfect place to find people who have no regards for their fellow human beings, and can often be a bunch of lazy shits. It all starts upon your arrival, right there in the parking lot. What is so hard about walking your shopping cart a few feet to put it in one of those shopping carts corrals? Seriously, I see people who won’t even walk 1 or 2 parking spaces to do this. They just leave their carts in the middle of spot, or stuffed between 2 cars, or in the middle of the lot where that cart is free to move about on it’s own. Yes, I have actually seen a shopping cart ram into a parked car. So stupid.

Once you enter the store, it tends to be mass hysteria. You have the person who stands right at the entrance (therefore, blocking the entrance) who is checking their list, their coupons, whatever the hell it is they do. Please move your lazy ass out of the way so the rest of us can get in the door.

Now that you are in the store, there’s all kinds of things to make you crazy. You have folks who insist on parking their carts in the middle of the aisle, therefore blocking anyone else from moving up and down the aisles.  And if you touch their cart to move it to one side, the dirty looks some of these people give you. It’s like you violated their personal space. Holy shit…it’s just a shopping cart! The variation on this theme is the person who puts their cart to one side but then stands next to it in the aisle doing whatever they damn well please.

Next are the parents who think that supermarket is the same thing as a playground and their kids are free to run around, creating havoc for the rest of the shoppers. I once had some kid who ran face first into my cart and the mother acted as if it was my fault. My fault? You must you be kidding.  Keep your lovely little urchin from running around and they won’t do a head plant into a shopping cart. Is that so much to ask?

Now comes my favorite part, the checkout line. Specifically, the express line. My version of a supermarket express checkout line has sirens going off the second a shopper goes over the limit, whether it’s 8, 10, 12 or 15 items. Then you have to put all your items back in the cart and go to special line where they use a 1960s register with no barcode scanning technology and no credit card swipe machines. This scene is played out on a series of jumbo big screen TVs covering all parts of the supermarket, with your name and email address flashing underneath.  When your done, your photo is sent to all the other supermarkets in your area so they that know exactly who you are, just like you are a cheat in a Vegas casino. Afterall, in a way, that’s what you are doing…cheating, that or you just don’t think the rules apply to you. Finally, you are sent out into the parking lot to collect all the wayward shopping carts. If you are cheating on the express line, it only makes sense that your last act would have been to leave your cart where you damn well please, which is where this whole thing started…and ends.