Supermarket Etiquette

Posted by: on Sep 7, 2010 | 2 Comments


Supermarket Etiquette

I have found that the supermarket is the perfect place to find people who have no regards for their fellow human beings, and can often be a bunch of lazy shits. It all starts upon your arrival, right there in the parking lot. What is so hard about walking your shopping cart a few feet to put it in one of those shopping carts corrals? Seriously, I see people who won’t even walk 1 or 2 parking spaces to do this. They just leave their carts in the middle of spot, or stuffed between 2 cars, or in the middle of the lot where that cart is free to move about on it’s own. Yes, I have actually seen a shopping cart ram into a parked car. So stupid.

Once you enter the store, it tends to be mass hysteria. You have the person who stands right at the entrance (therefore, blocking the entrance) who is checking their list, their coupons, whatever the hell it is they do. Please move your lazy ass out of the way so the rest of us can get in the door.

Now that you are in the store, there’s all kinds of things to make you crazy. You have folks who insist on parking their carts in the middle of the aisle, therefore blocking anyone else from moving up and down the aisles.  And if you touch their cart to move it to one side, the dirty looks some of these people give you. It’s like you violated their personal space. Holy shit…it’s just a shopping cart! The variation on this theme is the person who puts their cart to one side but then stands next to it in the aisle doing whatever they damn well please.

Next are the parents who think that supermarket is the same thing as a playground and their kids are free to run around, creating havoc for the rest of the shoppers. I once had some kid who ran face first into my cart and the mother acted as if it was my fault. My fault? You must you be kidding.  Keep your lovely little urchin from running around and they won’t do a head plant into a shopping cart. Is that so much to ask?

Now comes my favorite part, the checkout line. Specifically, the express line. My version of a supermarket express checkout line has sirens going off the second a shopper goes over the limit, whether it’s 8, 10, 12 or 15 items. Then you have to put all your items back in the cart and go to special line where they use a 1960s register with no barcode scanning technology and no credit card swipe machines. This scene is played out on a series of jumbo big screen TVs covering all parts of the supermarket, with your name and email address flashing underneath.  When your done, your photo is sent to all the other supermarkets in your area so they that know exactly who you are, just like you are a cheat in a Vegas casino. Afterall, in a way, that’s what you are doing…cheating, that or you just don’t think the rules apply to you. Finally, you are sent out into the parking lot to collect all the wayward shopping carts. If you are cheating on the express line, it only makes sense that your last act would have been to leave your cart where you damn well please, which is where this whole thing started…and ends.


  1. Kim
    February 26, 2015

    Reggie Scott and I laughed so much reading this! Thanks Ira! #facts

  2. Todd Conn
    May 1, 2015

    You must have gone to an unnamed store in the 07039 zip code. You have described the scene there perfectly!