Losing weight while jerking off

Posted by: on May 31, 2010 | 3 Comments


Yes folks, there is now scientific proof that you can burn calories and develop that finely toned body just by jerking off.  Don’t believe me?  Well, check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W0FfkaIEXE

And for you women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwIJlEsIVZQ

This is so great, I can’t contain myself. I just walked in from from the gym with Linda and Allie. While I was on the treadmill, up pops the Shake Weight for Man commercial. I don’t have the sound on but the commercial is quite compelling. An extremely buff guy is using a dumb bell with a spring mechanism attached to it to jerk off.  Backing up this claim is graphs, stats, etc., all proving that this contraption can give you the perfect body in a 6 minute workout. If you don’t recognize the motion, go back to the monastery you crawled out from under because some company is basically telling you that masturbation is the next great craze in exercise!

On the way home, I mention that I just saw this piece of fitness equipment that proves what men have been trying to tell women for years: Jerking off is exercise. Allie bursts out laughing telling us she has seen the same commercial but it’s the female version. Female version?!?!?! This is better than I ever imagined. Not only are they telling men to jerk off but they are telling women to help. How cool is that?

You want my recommendation?  Go buy a 5 or 10 pound dumb bell and a bottle of your favorite skin lubrication. Put the dumb bell in one hand, lube up the other and…well, use your imagination (but not on the dumb bell).

Toes are ugly

Posted by: on May 27, 2010 | 4 Comments

Believe it or not, I seriously considered calling this blog “ToesAreUgly.com” and other social observations, for the very simple reason that – for the most part – toes are ugly. Feet too in many, if not most, cases. For the start of summer, I thought it was time to write about this theme as we are going to be seeing much more toes and feets over the next few months. I am going to break this post down in to 2 sections: Woman and man.

OK ladies, you first. You can shave them, you can wax, you can buff them, you can paint them but you can’t hide the damaged caused by what you do to them on daily basis. You take your poor toes and shove them into teeny tiny pointy little shoes and boots. Those poor toes and feet come out of those teeny tiny pointy little shoes and boots all chafed, scraped, bumped, bruised, toes all curled into un-natural positions to the point where it sometimes looks like you only have 4 toes…in extreme cases, only 3. After years of this abuse you get bunyons, corns, in-grown toenails and god knows what the hell those things are that grow on the sides of your feet that look like golf balls.

So you get your full service pedi complete with a foot bath, foot massage, waxing, buffing, de-scruffing and a fresh coat of paint. Than you walk out into the world in flip-flops with your toes wrapped in tissue paper and your feet screaming “look at me…I just got a pedi.” This not only draws attention to you but draws attention to your feet. People walking by you think “she just spent all that money on her toes and they still look like shit!” And you even do this in winter when no one sees your feet anyway but it is an easy way of saying “hey, look at me.” Maybe a pedi is just your way of looking for attention.

What price beauty. Ladies, I hate to break to you but it ain’t working. No body part can take that kind of abuse and not look…well…abused and your feet are abused, no matter how pretty your toenail polish is. The next time someone tells you how nice your toes and/or feet look, don’t believe them. Just deal with the fact that toes (and feet) are ugly and there is nothing you can do can change that.

Guys, don’t think you are getting off unscathed. I hardly ever wear flip flops. Why? I tell you why…my toes are ugly! I hide those bad boys in moccasins, socks, whatever but they are not for public consumption.  However, I have many male friends who do wear flip flops and all I have to say is “gross.” Most men I know have hairy toes and feet,which hardly ever get any kind of beautification (except for my friend Richard who I caught getting a pedi on Millburn Avenue and he was not thrilled to see me). Many of my friends have more hair on their toes and feet than they do on their heads (and you know who you are). Imagine the pain of getting those things cleaned up and that’s why guys just want do it. So guys, do me a favor, hide those hairy beasts whenever possible. I know many of you think flip flops and those open toed walking shoes are just oh so comfy but society is better off without those things being flashed in public.

And don’t get me started on people who walk around flashing their toes and toenails with all kinds of diseases growing on them.  You maybe a fun guy but we don’t want to see your fungi.

Guns and the environment

Posted by: on May 25, 2010 | 2 Comments

The disaster taking place in the Gulf of Mexico has got me thinking about the environment and the ways we destroy it. Last week I wrote about how some people are pro life and pro death. I stated that I try to take a common sense approach to issues that many see as divisive.

One group of folks who don’t seem to share my common sense approach are gun owners, specifically those that are hunters. Common sense dictates that these people should want to try to preserve the environment. Afterall, if you destroy an animals natural habitat and they are forced to move or worse, don’t you also destroy the ability to hunt that animal. If you look at their usual political positions, the same people who want to hunt seem to be the same people who’d clear cut every tree in sight if they could make a buck (as opposed to shooting one).  I never quite understood those two political/societal stances on these issues. You’d think hunters would the first ones lining up to join the Sierra Club, the NRDC or other environmental groups but I don’t think they are because there extremist buddies see environmentalists as the enemy.

For those of you who are going to tell me I’m anti-gun and I’m anti-NRA and I’m a tree hugger, well I’m not (although I did hug my big backyard tree this weekend because it’s starting to show it’s age…but only on side). Yes, I do have issues with gun owners, the NRA and tree huggers but my common sense approach guides me to realize that these opposing sides don’t always make sense.

Why is it that it’s always those that take the extreme sides of an issue that you hear about the most? It’s always the crazy gun owners holed up in some backwoods cabin or the nutty tree guy chained and locked to a redwood. Hey crazy gun guy – do you really need an Uzi to hunt a deer? And you tree hugger – chaining yourself to a tree makes you look like a friggin’ idiot.

OK, so I think I may have strayed a bit from my original premise but you all get the picture. We are screwing up our planet but good and as they used to say in those old Chiffon Margarine commercials “It’s not nice to screw mother nature.” So I changed it a little. Deal with it!

The chicks and me

Posted by: on May 23, 2010 | 4 Comments

Last night my wife and I saw Letters to Juliet, the prototypical chick flick.  In a theater of about 40 – 50 patrons, I was the only male. There were little chicks (and not so little chicks making too much noise), mommy chicks, grandma chicks and me. The whole thing was kinda of surreal…and filled with estrogen.

As far as strange movie experiences, this one is probably second only to the time Linda and I saw Moscow on the Hudson. We were spending few days in early April at our ski house in Killington, Vermont. One day it rained, so we decided to catch a matinee in West Rutland. Not all that match action in West Rutland mid-week in early April. Come to think of it, not all that much action in Rutland (west or otherwise) at all. Turns out, we were the only ones in the entire theater. At least we weren’t bothering anyone while we discussed the film.

Back to chick flicks. I have nothing against the genre. Afterall, every guy has to put with a chick flick every now and than if they know what’s good for them (wink, wink). Nothing wrong with Pretty Woman, You’ve Got Mail and my personal favorite – Notting Hill. No offense to my wife but Notting Hill has a special place in my heart. My daughter Allie was 10 years old when I took her to see Notting Hill at the 10 PM showing. She was so excited to be out with her dad late at night, seeing a movie. To this day, if she’s not around and it’s on, I text her to let her know that I’m watching it.

So guys, every now and than, you just have to suck it up and take your best gal to a chick flick. My one word of advice, stay away from the not so little chicks who tend to bring their own food and make lots of noise while unwrapping all that food, which is why they aren’t so little.

Look ma! No hands!

Posted by: on May 21, 2010 | One Comment

Remember when you were a little kid and you learned how to ride a two wheel bicyle? Oh, the simple joys in life. Than you learned how to ride holding on with only one hand and than no hands. Than you learned to ride a bike with no hands while texting on your cell phone!  Oh wait…they probably didn’t have cell phones when many of you learned how to ride a bike but today they do and today I saw someone doing just that.

Many of you have read my comments (well rants really) about texting while driving but this was really a surprise…texting while riding a bike. I think I will call it “bexting” or “bikexting” or “hey stupid, are you out of your friggin’ mind?”  This did not take place on some quiet suburban side street. This took place on a main road, windy and hilly, heavily trafficked where the 35 MPH speed is really just a suggestion (as are all speed limits in reality). The guy riding looked like he knew what he was doing but he still had his eyes down, focused on his cell phone, cars zipping by. To make matters even more interesting, he was also wearing earbuds, so it wasn’t like he was hearing anything either.

Always makes me wonder what people are thinking when they go out into the world but don’t pay any attention to the world around them?  Someday the world is going to look at them in the face, smile right at them and the only sound they will hear will be their own body going “splat.” I can’t wait…will give me something new to write about.

Today on Millburn Avenue

Posted by: on May 19, 2010 | 7 Comments

Somedays you don’t have to go very far to get a good laugh. Actually, most days I walk out of my office and I see things that make me laugh out loud.  Today was no exception.

This morning I was on my way back from one of my vendors when I noticed a woman with her rear end sticking out of her car as she tried to deal with her child and a car seat. Unfortunately for this woman, her blue jeans had managed to creep half-way down her ass so that she was showing off some major butt crack. Not like I was looking for it but it was right there in front, very hard to miss.  And she was wearing a thong which looked like it had seen better days. Also, right there in front of me. So what was I supposed to do? Ignore it?  No, I knew had to observe so I could tell everyone about it.

Now we have all heard the obvious plumber butt crack references but this a unique viewing opportunity. Young suburban mom in affluent town showing off her wears for all passerbys to see.  Looking back at it now, I only wish I had given her a wedgie.

Pro life & pro death

Posted by: on May 17, 2010 | No Comments

Pro life & pro death

I have always been fascinated by the contrasting views expressed by the same people in the name of politics. For instance, it seems to me that the same people who are “pro life” are also “pro death.”

Let me start by saying that I believe that the 2 party system is broken and would love to see a viable 3rd party emerge, if for no other reason than the utter chaos it would cause. The blog post possibilities are endless! I like the idea of the Common Sense Party but I guess one person’s common sense is another person’s nonsense.

OK, let’s get back to the whole pro life and pro death thing. If you look at the sharp contrast in the current political environment today, the very same people who are pro life at inception are also for the death penalty. In other words, they are also “pro death.” They also tend not to want to have anything to do with a person once that person enters the world. As far as they are concerned, you are on your own. What they are saying is we will do everything we can to make sure you are born but once you enter the world, we don’t want to know anything about you unless you screw up and if you do, off with your head.

Going back to my Common Sense Party idea, wouldn’t common sense dictate that if you are pro life you really shouldn’t be pro death penalty. But who am I kidding…common sense in American politics today?  It will never happen and that’s the only sense I can make out of all of this.

Left lane dick extreme

Posted by: on May 14, 2010 | 3 Comments

Left Lane Dick Extreme

I’m sure many of you have heard the expression “left lane dick.” A “left lane dick” is a person who drives in the left lane slower than the flow of traffic, breaking rule #1 of highway driving:  Pass on the left, drive on the right.  Rule #2 is when you are left lane dick and I’m flashing my lights at you, get the hell out of my way.

This morning I was on longisland (and it is pronounced longisland) on my way to play golf (see the previous post about the only thing that gets me out of bed before dawn). On the longislandexpressway, they have an HOV lane, which brings me to rule #3 of highway driving: Just because there is an HOV lane and you have 2 or more people in your car, doesn’t mean you should drive in the HOV lane, especially if you aren’t going to at least drive the speed limit when traffic in the non-HOV lanes is moving at or faster than the speed limit. If you are, well then you are a “left lane dick extreme (LLDE).”

Now, I couldn’t drive in the HOV lane because I was only one person but I kept passing many LLDEs. Rule #4 of highway driving: If the extreme left lane is an HOV lane, than the lane next to it becomes the new left lane. Therefore, if you are in that lane and driving slower than the flow, you are a left lane dick. Sorry, the HOV does not exempt you from being a dick and rule #2 still applies.

And God forbid you should be texting on your cell phone, driving in the left lane with me flashing my brights at you. I think I’ll leave the whole texting talking emailing on your cell phone while driving for another day. Afterall, I was up before dawn this morning.

The original Ira saying

Posted by: on May 11, 2010 | 3 Comments

Well, it might not be the original but I’m very fond of it and use it often, so here goes:

There used to be 3 things that got me out of bed before dawn:  Skiing, golf and sex. Now there’s only golf.

Pretty much the truth. Let me say right here and right now that I have never been a morning person or at least not for a number or years. My “commute” to work is about 7 minutes and I routinely crawl out of bed at an hour when many of my clients and friends are at work (except for Dave who is worse than I am and Dave will know which Dave I mean).

To prove my point, in the course of the next week or so, I have at least 4 days when I will be up and on the road way to early.  3 of those are golf days so I’m not really complaining but for each of those I will be out of bed by 6 AM. Just writing it down makes me sleepy. Wednesday is not a golf day but one of the many trips we take to SU during the year. Out of the house by 7, up to SU, pack up the car, drive home.  Lunch at the Varsity or Cosmos for good measure.

I can’t tell why or when this whole “not a morning person” thing happened, it just did. Can’t tell you when I came up with the whole “there’s only golf” thing, it just did.  And I can’t tell you why I get out of bed for golf, I just do but if I keep playing the way I am, I may have to come up with a new favorite saying.

Mother Nature is running amok

Posted by: on May 10, 2010 | No Comments

Is it my imagination or is the weather just getting stranger and stranger. In April, I shut the heat off in my house and at one point had to turn the AC on. Strictly a no-no in IraLand where the AC never goes on before May 15th. Couple of days later, had to turn the heat back on, another no-no in IraLand where the heat never goes back on after April 15th.

In early May, the AC goes back on when the temps hit 90 degrees. Last night we could have easily turned the heat back on but I refused. Afterall, a man has to draw the line somewhere and I am not turning the heat on in my house in May.

And look at what’s going on in other places. Not just with the weather but the whole planet seems to be in an uproar.  Massive flooding in Nashville, that crazy volcano in Iceland (shouldn’t lava in Iceland be an oxymoron?), earthquakes all over the place, tsunami warnings (doesn’t tsunami sound like a sushi roll?), crazy tornadoes, and the list goes on.

Maybe Ma Nature is just pissed off at us for screwing up the planet (is that olive oil glistening on my gulf shrimp?). Maybe she is trying to take the planet back. Or maybe she just wants to see who Pat Robertson is going to blame for all this mayhem.

In any event, I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen the last of the strange weather and all the natural disasters. So Ma Nature, if you are listening, I’ll be on my golf trip in Oregon from June 2nd – 5th. No crazy weather please.