But is it really milk

Posted by: on Mar 28, 2011 | 3 Comments

I have a very basic problem with soy milk. It’s not milk. The dictionary defines milk as “an opaque white or bluish-white liquid secreted by the mammary glands of female mammals, serving for the nourishment of their young.” In other words, it needs to come from an udder or a breast or some female body part used to feed. It’s not from something that grows in the ground, is dried and than rehydrated/mixed with water.

So what is soy milk really? Soy milk is an emulsion made up of oil, water and dried soybeans that are than soaked in the water and ground up.  There are no glands and/or breasts involved.  After the initial processing, soy milk tastes like shit (or so they say) so they have to add sugar and other additives. Milk is processed but (for the most part) sold without additives.

But the real problem is that they call it milk and it’s not really milk. They should really call it soy water, water being the major ingredient, or soy juice. After all, other fruits and veggies that are liquified are called juice – orange juice, apple juice, carrot juice, orthodox juice and so forth.  What with water being big business these days with all kinds of flavors and vitamins and other crap, I’d think they could find a way to creatively market “soy water” (although it does sound like it would taste like crap).

You can even make your own juice at home by buying a juicer, such as the Jack Lalanne Power Juicer. Being the stud that he was, I don’t think Jack ever confused a soybean with a breast. Don’t recall ever seeing a machine called a “milker,” although I do seem to remember a breast pump in my past but I don’t think that really qualifies. I have never seen a “milker” infomercial. Maybe someone like Pamela Anderson could come with “Power Milker” but I’m not sure those things she’s carrying around with her in silicon valley are capable of giving breast milk.

I think what I’m going to do is write my elected officials in Washington and tell them they need to do something about this. There should be a law or regulation. That milk is an all natural secretion, not a rehydrated bean. If you want to call it milk, it needs to come from an udder or a boob and if anyone knows about dealing with boobs, it’s all those folks down in Washington.


  1. Gina
    March 29, 2011

    This “soy milk” delusion is right up there with the “veggie burger” and the “tofurky”. If you want to go non-dairy, for whatever health or aesthetic reasons you choose, more power to you. Just do it honestly, that’s all I ask. Being a vegetarian requires a certain degree of intestinal fortitude (yes, pun intended) and I have a definite admiration for the people who come up with great recipes for veggies, legumes, and grains & such. However, I also think that there should be a set of straight jackets waiting for the “this tofu tastes just like chicken” crowd. Don’t they know that “it tastes like chicken” is one of the world’s most famous lies, right along with “I didn’t do it” and “the check is in the mail”?

  2. Joe Mazel
    March 29, 2011

    Very titilating blog Ira!

  3. julianne
    March 29, 2011

    so many kinds of boobs around LOL