Would You Like Some Starch With Your Face

A few years ago, on a winter Sunday morning, I was in the Mall at Short Hills just as the stores open. Many folks use the mall to get their morning exercise and the mall walkers were out in force. There was one particular woman who made me do a major double take. She was clad in a designer velour black warm-up suit. She looked to be in pretty good shape as she walked at a good pace. Her arms moved in coordination with her stride but as I passed I realized her face never moved as it appeared her skin had been pulled back behind her hairline. As Linda and I have come to say when we see a person like this, they’ve had bit too much starch.

I thought of this moment a couple of nights ago when I saw a promo clip for the Jay Leno show featuring Barry Manilow. Holy shit…talk about your completely over the top facelifts. Poor Barry’s face looks like it was taken to the Chinese laundromat and they used they whole friggin’ can of starch. His lips were moving but the rest of his face appeared to be some sort of plaster mask. It was really weird.

Sticking with this theme, the other morning on the news, there was a report about one of the side effects of using a smart phone, premature lines around your eyes cause by squinting at that little screen. The solution? Botox. The woman in the story looked like she was 12, was actually around 30 and was planning on getting regular botox injections to remove her lines. Whatever happened to growing old gracefully?

I remember an episode of Nip/Tuck where Joely Richardson’s character falls through a glass door. Her hubby and his partner rush her into surgery to remove glass fragments from her face. Before putting her under they ask if she’d like a little extra work done to remove her signs of age. She responds “I like my lines. They remind me of where I’ve been.” I really love that line!

I’m not anti plastic surgery. I think many procedures can certainly enhance how a person feels about themselves and plastic surgeons are often miracle workers in many situations but I also think that many times it doesn’t do what people think it does. Did that woman in the mall look any younger? Scary…yes; younger…not so much.  Does Barry Manilow, Joan Rivers, Melanie Griffith, Bruce Jenner et al look better than they did? Hell no…put some white face make-up on them and they can be the next horror movie star…without having to use a mask.

You wanna shoot toxins in your face, be my guest. Have hard as rock melon size hooters, go for it.  Make your nose the size pea, have at it. Just realize that everyone knows exactly what you’ve done. Afterall, it’s called “plastic” surgery because you might end up look just like that…plastic.